The recess yard was chaotic, and there he was—standing in front of me, wood chips clenched in his hands, daring me to react. I had two choices: escalate or connect.
But more about that in a minute.
We’ve all been there, right?
Those moments when a student’s behavior feels like it’s pushing every button you have.
It’s easy to react without much intentional thought, but in those moments, the words we choose can change everything.
Over the years, I’ve taught many diverse students with different and often unimaginable challenges.
Why do I bring this up? These students taught me more about connection, patience, and language than I ever could’ve imagined.
They reminded me that behavior is communication, and how we respond—especially the words we choose—can either calm a situation or make it worse.
Let me share two stories that show how intentional language helped me handle tough behaviors in a way that did not erode trust and actually helped strengthen relationships.
Giving Choices: A Woodchip Lesson
Remember that moment I opened with?
Let me explain how it connects.
My second-year teaching (first in 5th grade) was the one of my most challenging and fulfilling years.
One experience that sticks with me is the woodchip incident.
During a normal recess day, I found myself face-to-face with a student who was testing the boundaries, seeing how far he could push.
He was throwing wood chips, and when I calmly told him, “We don’t throw wood chips. They stay where they are,” he locked eyes with me and threw another handful.
For a split second, I could feel the tension rising.
But I knew I needed to keep calm.
So I said, “You have two choices: You can come sit by me if you keep throwing the wood chips, OR you can put them down and enjoy the rest of your recess.”
That simple shift gave him something powerful: a sense of control over what happened next.
And just like that, he dropped the wood chips and sauntered off.
What I learned? Language isn’t just about fixing behaviors—it’s about showing kids they have choices and building trust.
The Calm in the Chaos: Intentional Responses
Not all moments are that simple.
Sometimes, the behavior feels like it’s about to spiral, and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed (both the teacher, the student, and the other students).
I’ve had students who, in moments of dysregulation, acted in ways that were hard to handle.
And I’m not talking about little things like not following a direction. I’m talking about those big fight-or-flight moments—when a student’s body language or actions make it clear they’re struggling to stay in control.
In those moments, the most important thing I could do was stay calm. If I let my emotions take over, the situation would get worse.
What helped the most was having a few go-to intentional (and practiced) phrases I could lean on.
These phrases gave me a second to breathe and respond in a way that kept the focus on helping the student, not escalating the situation.
Here are a few examples:
- “I see you’re upset. Let’s take a minute and figure this out together.”
- “Take a deep breath. We’ll talk about this in a moment.”
- “I need you to pause for a second. Let’s talk about what’s going on.”
- “It’s okay to feel upset, but we need to work on solving this together.”
- “Let’s step back and try again. I know we can figure this out.”
These weren’t about avoiding consequences.
They were about calming the moment so we could figure out what needed to happen next.
And honestly? They gave me time to calm down, too.
Intent is Everything
At the heart of it all is this: What’s my intent?
In those tough moments, I try to ask myself: What am I really trying to accomplish here?
Is this about stopping the behavior in the moment, or is this about teaching the student something bigger?
The way we respond can do both. It can address the behavior now AND help the student learn for the future.
Sometimes, I catch myself reacting too quickly, and I take a breath to reset. I’ll ask: How can my words guide this student to make a better choice? How can I model the calm and respect I want them to show?
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about using these moments to teach and connect, not just to fix.
Takeaway:
Handling tough behaviors can be and is draining. Here’s what helped me:
Pause Before You Speak
Take a moment to breathe. It gives you time to calm yourself and think about how to respond. This allows you to be response and not reactive (speaking from experience here)
Give Clear Choices
Offer two options so students feel like they’re in control. Try to make both choices positive and somewhat favorable. For example: “You can stay here and work quietly or move to the back table for space.”
Use Intentional Phrases
Have a few phrases ready to keep things neutral and help you stay regulated. For example: “Let’s take a minute to figure this out.”
Teaching is hard, but you got this!
Jennifer
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