Unpacking Classroom Management Failures: The Power of Releasing the “Should”

As teachers (and humans), we often carry the weight of “should” on our shoulders, believing that things should be different or better in our classrooms. I know this all too well because I fell into that trap myself. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from my years in the classroom, it’s the power of releasing the word “should” from your vocabulary—especially when it comes to your students.

The Failure

Let me take you back to one of my biggest failures as a teacher.

Note: Yes, I’m calling this a “failure” because I’ve released all the negative connotations with the word—failure is just another way to learn and grow.

It wasn’t about not reaching a particular goal or messing up a lesson. My failure was rooted in my mindset, specifically my obsession with how things should be. I believed that if certain things were different, I would be a better teacher, my students would be more successful, and I wouldn’t have to worry about my job security.

I thought I should have more (or just a few) students who passed the reading state test from the previous year—because other teachers did.

I thought I should have fewer behavior management students—because other teachers did. I thought I should have gifted students—because other teachers did.

I was caught in a toxic cycle of comparison, believing that my success was tied to these “shoulds.” I was convinced that if all these things were as they should be, I would finally feel successful and impactful. More importantly, I wouldn’t have to worry about my teaching job.

Side note: For those of you who love studying trauma and its impact in the classroom, this was an example of how I was responding from my trauma as a teacher and grown adult.

The Lesson

Here’s the reality: those “shoulds” were nothing more than illusions. They were based on the belief that my success depended on external factors—factors that were largely out of my control.

This mindset wasn’t just unproductive; it was harmful.

It intensified the stress and pressure I already felt in my job and made it harder to see the progress my students were making, however small.

Here’s what really made it worse: By attaching this additional meaning that things should be different, I was compounding an already difficult situation.

I was creating secondary feelings of frustration, resentment, and even self-doubt. These emotions clouded my judgment and prevented me from being as impactful as I could have been.

If I had approached the situation with a neutral mindset—accepting things as they were without adding extra layers of meaning—I would have been able to tackle the challenges much more efficiently.

Note: This is not meant to be toxic positivity. This isn’t about pretending everything is fine when it’s not. This is about the power of neutrality—looking at what is true and not making it worse because it’s already hard enough. By releasing the “shoulds” and viewing the situation with clear, neutral eyes, I could have focused my energy on problem-solving instead of on the emotional turmoil that was holding me back.

Not Just Big Shoulds – But Small Shoulds

This also showed up in smaller ways.

We’ve likely all had those moments where we think, “My students should be able to sit quietly,” or “My students should be able to write a complete sentence, or even an essay.”

Yes, it’s great to have high expectations. But the truth is, sometimes our students aren’t there yet. They might not be able to do what we think they should be able to do—and that’s okay.

Constantly focusing on what “should” be only sets us up for disappointment and frustration.

I learned this the hard way. My fixation on “should” prevented me from seeing the reality of my students’ abilities and needs. It made me less effective as a teacher because I was so wrapped up in what wasn’t happening, rather than focusing on what was. I was so consumed by what I thought should be happening that I missed out on the FULL opportunity to meet my students where they were and help them grow from there.

If I could go back in time, I would change this mindset in a heartbeat. I would tell myself to let go of the “shoulds” and focus on what is. I would remind myself that my students’ progress, no matter how small, is something to celebrate. And I would understand that my worth as a teacher isn’t determined by how closely my classroom matches some idealized version of what “should” be.

Now for the Actionable Strategies

Teaching is hard enough without the added burden of unrealistic expectations.

Take it from my experience: Let go of “should.” It doesn’t serve you, and it certainly doesn’t serve your students.

When you are able to notice this and do this, you will be better equipped to meet your students where they are, and work with what you have.

Actionable Steps to Release the “Should” Mindset

1. Reframe Your Thoughts: When you catch yourself thinking, “My students should be able to do X,” reframe it as, “My students are not able to do X yet.” This subtle shift acknowledges that growth is a process and allows you to approach challenges with a growth mindset. We have to be the model for growth mindset for our students, and this is one way to do it.
3. Focus on What Is, Not What Isn’t: Every time you start to spiral into what your classroom should look like, take a moment to ground yourself in what your classroom does look like. Celebrate the progress, however small, and recognize the effort your students are putting in. Your classroom is a dynamic place where growth is always happening, even if it’s not in the way you expected.
5. Practice Compassion—For Yourself and Your Students: Teaching is hard, and so is learning. Give yourself and your students grace. Instead of holding yourself to unrealistic standards, acknowledge that everyone is doing their best with the resources and circumstances they have. By focusing on compassion rather than judgment, you create space for more effective teaching and learning.
7. Set Realistic, Flexible Goals: Instead of focusing on where your students should be, set realistic, flexible goals that meet them where they are. These goals should be adaptable, allowing for different learning paces and styles. By doing this, you create a more inclusive and supportive environment where all students can thrive.
9. Reflect Regularly: Take time to reflect on your teaching practices and mindset. Ask yourself, “Am I holding onto any ‘shoulds’ that aren’t serving me or my students?” Journaling, talking with a trusted colleague, or even just taking a few moments at the end of the day to consider these questions can help you stay mindful and intentional in your approach.

What do you think about this? Has this happened to you? Have you seen the “shoulds” coming up in your thoughts as you deal with the difficult realities of teaching?